Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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