My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
