u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
