It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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