yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
