Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
