So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
