We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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