You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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