My girlfriend figured out who you are.
zippers are such a cool invention
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
