i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
