There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
