i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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