ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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