If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
