She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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