Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
