Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
