just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
