I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Randomize
