I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
