Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
