my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
