i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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