Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
