I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
