When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
