Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
