I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
