I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
