I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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