i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I lost the right to judge tonight
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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