She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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