We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
