Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
