I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
