mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
