I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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