everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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