How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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