And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
