In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
