Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
