He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
