Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
