Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
