My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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