i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
