Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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