YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
